Hugh Telmi @ Crooked Mouth Comedy Festival 10-18-2026

Hugh Telmi @ Crooked Mouth Comedy Festival 10-18-2026 by @oldsoulnewb on 3Speak

Howdy Everyone! I know it's been quite a while, and right now, I'm hoping it won't be a while longer! This is my second attempt to get this video up tonight. If this one fails... well, you guys won...

Tags: #comedy #humor #laughs #standup #live #hive

Transcript

Thanks, Steven, thanks, everybody. You tell me, is who I am, and I can't tell you how thrilled I am to be here. Not just because this is my first, like, real book comedy gig. As you mentioned, it's not exactly my first time. I've been, like, a stand-in stand-up, like a comic of last resort, which I feel is kind of a vibe I'm setting right now. But also because, like, me being able to be here means that I was able to put up. enough gas money to actually be here. You know, not that things are going great financially, like a lot of people, you know, I have to choose between, like, gas, you know, for doing things like comedy or food, but fortunately the girlfriend and I have both been a bit under the weather for the last week, so we didn't really need the food. I'm glad to see you a while. I drive in from a little over an hour west to here, a little town called Addison, but you guys heard of it. Well, that's good, that means that our reputation is fading. Like, we are a redneck town, and I look out along and see that probably a lot of you can relate to that. But even in this redneck area that you guys are familiar with, like we had, like, a reputation for being kind of hillbillies. And I bought against that reputation most of my life, you know, I felt kind of put down by it, but had to come to some terms about 15 years ago, my town started getting gentrified by Amish people. I had to change a lot of my assumptions about where I lived. I forgot to start the timer. Sorry if I go over-seeing. Oh, I forgot to set the timer. Oh, yes, I don't mean to call out the host for graphics and blah. So, let's see, I drive in from far away, far away. My town is being gentrified by the Amish people, as I said. I like the Amish people, though, because, I mean, they're probably the reason that we're losing the reputation. Like, we were a lot of, like, 8 % alcoholics, and everybody loved to fight. And the Amish don't do those things. But they're teaching me a lot about people, because even though the Amish, they don't drink, they don't fight, they don't do drugs, I found out that they have, like, a lot in common with, like, the addicts in the town. Even though they've arrived at these places through very, very different means. Like, addicts and Amish, both will show up in your town and come into the abandoned houses, and they'll be up at like 4 o'clock in the morning tearing the copper out of the walls. Very, very different reasons. And when the Amish are done, it actually drives up the property values. The Amish and the Attics, they'll spend a lot of time in church, you know, the Amish because they are very religious people in the attics, because that's where court-mandated rehab happens, most of the time. Neither group drives the Amish because they're anti -tech, they're also kind of anti-government. They're not big fans of government IDs, so they're always bum and rides, and, you know, the Attics, obviously, because that were so many DWIs, they decide you shouldn't do that anymore. They both, so Amish and Attics will speak English, but it's not like their first language. It might actually be for the addicts, but you can't tell because they are on drugs, and the Amish did just like, they don't even speak English among themselves, they speak some very kind, weird kind of German Dutch, they're very hard to understand. And Amish and addicts will both do things that like nobody else would do if you pay them in cash. And it's different things. Like, if you have a really big tree growing really close to your house and nobody wants to touch it for like under 5 grand to get that tree down for you, call some Amish people for 200 bucks, still send a bunch of children up there with hands up. They'll take it down, branch by bridge. So, you know, if you need a tree like that removed, Amish are your cash people. But like if you need a blow job at a gas station bathroom at 3 o 'clock in the morning, then probably the Amish I'm going to help you with that. So despite the influx of the Amish, my small town is still getting smaller. Like a lot of rural communities across America in the last couple decades, our population has taken a really big hit by widespread use of birth control. I mean, it's nice, the teen pregnancy rate is down, but the town is dwindling away tonight. Yeah, our addicts aren't into the fentanyl, they don't really overdose, but I think the drugs are also having something to do with it, because, like, everybody is on the antidepressants down. And I, I mean, like, you can look at me, you can probably tell I do reprogational drugs, I'm not really a prescription drug kind of guy. But, so, I'm... Saying this from here, say, you know, maybe some of you know, I hear these antidepressants can really, really hurt like your sex drive, and kind of knock that down. And in some cases, make it so people, like, can't even have an orgasm. I know the women were already kind of used to that. But if people are making babies, that part's kind of important for the guy. Comedy is, I like doing comedy, but, I mean, you know, looking, most of us, we're maybe dreamers, but we don't dream that big. Like, I understand that, like, doing this here probably isn't going to change my life. It's the sort of thing that, like, even if you're doing it professionally, you know, like, this is a booked gig. and that will probably cost me, like, $40 to come up here and do this today, you know? I didn't have to buy a ticket, but I'm still paying to tell you guys' jokes. Which is why, you know, a lot of comedians look, so kind of like four and depressed, I think. You definitely need a job to support this, honey, but, like, it's also hard to practice, because, like, comedians practice that open mics, and comedians aren't an audience, like you guys are in audience. I can do the same set in front of a room of comedians, not one person. would giggle one time, you know, comedians need like, dead baby jokes to scratch their skin. So really, all I've learned, coming out to open mics to do comedy, is the best way to deliver a dead baby joke. Which is just reported. Thank you, everyone.

Comments

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